Sunday, January 22, 2012

Living in a world without Hannah


Six years ago today at 1:30am, I lost my sister. As she dashed across 14th Street for a taxi, a drunk driver made a left and hit her. Inexplicably, the paramedics wouldn't let me ride in the ambulance, so I got in a cab that followed to the hospital. Despite seeing her body in the street, I never imagined that hours later, I'd hear the worst words in the world: "We did everything we could, but she just didn't make it."

I called everyone I thought would want to be there - her friends, my friends - and many of them came to that hospital and sat with me in her room, trying to say goodbye in some meaningful way. By the time we left the sun was already up.

One of her friends rode home with me and we climbed into bed, stunned, devastated, adrift. Those next few months were a sea of raw emotions spilling out, holding it together as I performed in the biggest show I'd ever done (I'd been cast just a couple days before it happened) then bursting into tears to random strangers at a bar.

I put a lot of energy into dealing with Hannah's death head-on. I had already lost my father years earlier, and never really dealt with that or told anyone about him, and I knew that wasn't going to work. Everything I had believed in suddenly seemed false, naive, ridiculous. Hannah was such a good person and was killed at 25 for no reason. What was left to cling to?

There's the land of the living, the land of the dead, and then there's another reality for someone grieving a loss this intense. For about a year and a half, I lived in another universe, cut off from Hannah and only partially rooted in this world. I did my best to just stay alive when it felt like dying would be easier than feeling this pain.

All along, though, I felt something inside - the desire to finish what I've started here. I am a performer. I live to be onstage. It's what makes me feel alive, and when Hannah was alive, she supported that dream toward becoming a reality. She came to my shows, she gave me her blessing, she held my hand when tears came to my eyes watching the Tony Awards. She just wanted me to be happy (finally) and she understood that being a performer was my destiny. I consistently feel her energy continuing to guide me now - she didn't get to finish her plans on earth, to live the life she had intended, so it's almost an obligation that I do. My path toward what I want is partly a tribute to her, a commitment to living life fully while I have it.

I miss Hannah. A lot. There was a sparkle about the two of us together, a way that I shined brighter because of the subtle differences between us. I feel that gone, and sometimes it's hard for me to sparkle without her. I'm not whole. I don't know whether I ever will be. What I do know is that no matter what the circumstances are, there are always more possibilities if I'm willing to ask and receive. I've felt the depths of hopelessness many times since Hannah died, and when I acknowledged those feelings and allowed them to move through me, every time, I've seen something new on the other side. Life is beautiful, there's no doubt in my mind. I need to keep receiving.

I love you Hannah. I miss you. I am grateful for the time we had together and I wish you were still here.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Behind the Scenes of a Positive Attitude

I am a huge fan of positivity. In a business that can seem random, huge and complicated, it's essential to stay positive and plug away. Often when I first notice an actress in a show or film, I'll look her up on IMDB and see that she's been working in this town for 9-11 YEARS. And that's just credits that are listed on IMDB. She was probably working away for a couple years before that to get her SAG card. So the only way someone is going to stick with something that long is if there's some joy in it.

But how do you get and keep a positive attitude? I've learned a few things.

1. meditate. I meditate in the morning and before I go to bed. When I have time, I'll add an afternoon session. (Lately, that only happens when I'm on vacation!) It's essential to stop everything and just be. This not only helps with positivity but also with creativity!

2. take care of your body. Eat properly. In order to eat properly, leave enough time to shop for groceries and to prepare healthy food. Get enough sleep. Drink water. The reality is, I can't do as many things in a week as my mind would like. I have to accept that and make my whole self a priority as opposed to robbing my body to pay my ego.

3. spend time with friends. Life is not about working and sleeping. Oxytocin is a chemical that is released when we're enjoying a meal with friends, getting a massage, having sex and other enjoyable, connected activities, and it's essential.

4. reframe the situation. On Friday during rush hour, I was on my way to a store. People kept cutting me off on the freeway and I was getting really frustrated. In my mind, I could hear the question coming up - "why is everyone being such a jerk?" I knew that was my cue to reframe the situation. I immediately said out loud, "Why is it so easy to get this important errand done?" Then whenever a little obstacle came up, I just said that to myself. Lo and behold, everyone was so helpful when I got to the store, I was out of there in 20 minutes and zipped home to do some reading before dinner with friends. The whole rest of the evening was so lovely. I really recommend these "LIVING MANTRAS" as taught to me by Dallas Travers. You just ask yourself a positive question, and your subconscious mind does the rest, answering in ways that move you forward happily. Some of my favorites: "Where did all these amazing credits come from?" "When did I start swimming in money?"

5. speak up. If something is bothering you, identify it. If I've started telling a certain story more than once ("so and so did this to me, isn't that messed up?" kind of thing) I know it's time to deal with it head-on. Discuss with the person. It's such a waste of energy to stew in the blame game, and usually just dealing with it directly will instantly make it dissipate.

6. surround yourself with other positive people. In life, on Facebook, on Twitter, even the movies and shows we watch and books we read. They all affect us, so choose those that uplift!
So, you've been in LA for a year or more - you found a place to live, you bought a car and you even signed with an agent.

Now what?

This blog is about taking your career to the next level - thinking big, thinking outside the box and working collaboratively to achieve success. Success in LA.