the message of illness (or, what I learned from taking a selfie)

This week I got sick. I had all kinds of birthday plans, plus a lot of work to do, and instead the universe said, nope! You're going to stay in bed and do very little.

I have been struggling emotionally anyway, so this didn't really help. But then my Core Energetics practitioner suggested I "reframe." What could I learn from it? What do I need to let go of?

I pondered, I did some writing and meditating, and I had one idea come to me but wasn't sure if it was correct. There are a few dresses hanging in my hall closet - beautiful size 4 dresses that used to look amazing on me. Although I've let go of a lot of my everyday clothes from my anorexia days, it's harder to let go of these fancy dresses. I left them hanging in the closet.

Then yesterday after a few days of nothing but the inside of my bedroom, I started to go stir crazy. Feeling a teeny bit better, I drove to Malibu and got in the water, (which isn't very cold at the moment since this heat wave has been going on since, you know, THE BEGINNING OF TIME it feels like)

And I asked "what do I need to let go of?"

Still no answer. So I told the universe, whatever I need to let go of, please help me know it.

When I got out of the water, I received a text message from a friend who hasn't been in LA in a while, saying "I miss you!" I decided to take a beach selfie and send it. As I was trying to position myself in an "attractive" way, it hit me.

I NEED TO LET GO OF HATING MY BODY.

For as long as I can remember, I've hated my body and I've hated myself. I'm starting to realize that no matter what I accomplish, no matter how many people tell me it's amazing or wonderful, or that I am, or that I'm beautiful or sexy or gorgeous, I don't believe it and I don't love myself. I'm going to make 37 the year I go directly to the root of this problem - the trauma I experienced as a child. I've done a lot of healing up until now, but I haven't gone all the way.

Healing my childhood trauma will be my main focus from now until the day I wake up saying, "I am enough. Exactly as I am."