Pride in the Negative

I love people. That's my caveat. :)

But sometimes I get frustrated by people, too.

I see a lot of people posting how they hate math, or don't need math. Or how they're proud that their home is a mess because it makes them more interesting. Or that they just can't be on time, because that would be too restrictive.

I have to respectfully disagree with these point of view and other "pride in the negative" mindsets. For me, doing a little home cleaning or washing my car counts as self-care. And being on time is my way of showing you that I respect YOUR time. This isn't about perfectionism, and God knows it's easy for me to swing in that direction. Sometimes when I make a bunch of commitments I have to take a step back and reevaluate and realize that I actually can't do all that stuff, and a lot of times that happens when I'm late or my room is a mess. Then I get to look at all the things on my plate and ask myself, is this all serving me? Where can I simplify? And if that involves disappointing someone, I can take the time and care to let them know it's not personal and that I apologize for overcommitting.

And the kernel at the center of that acknowledgement is vulnerability. I can't do it all, I'm not perfect, I make mistakes, sometimes I have to disappoint someone. But I don't have to cover it over with a fake pride where I pretend that I intended to screw up. Ya know? Every time I trip it isn't because I wanted to entertain you with my hilarious slapstick comedy skills. Sometimes I just didn't see that uneven pavement, and I can take a deep breath and admit that I'm not perfect.

"I can be with your feelings but not with your stories"

A few years ago I went through a tough breakup. I loved him deeply and when it didn't work out, I had a lot of disappointment, resentment, sadness, anger, fear and frustration. We had been together for a while, so we had a lot of friends in common, and I really wanted them to side with me and see it from my perspective. He was wrong, right???!!!

One day on the phone our mutual friend stopped me. "Harmony, I can be present for your feelings but not for your stories." Fuck you, I wanted to scream! What does that mean? Through the Radical Aliveness Core Energetics work I do, and meditation, and recovery, and Byron Katie, I am starting to understand my friend's boundary. It's not that she didn't want to support me. She wanted to be present for me. But she wanted to be present for my FEELINGS.

Feelings are really simple yet often verrrrrry difficult. I'll do a lot to avoid feeling my sadness, my disappointment or my fear. I'll tell my stories to anyone who will listen (and many people who wish they weren't listening!) My stories are "He should have done it this way. She is a jerk. They are assholes. They don't get it." It's about labeling. Closing doors. Separating myself from others. I'll also drive too fast, get impatient in traffic, drink, smoke, shop, complain, criticize myself, eat crap... but am I willing to just slow down and FEEL? I can cry. I can breathe. I can call someone and just ask for a few moments of witnessing. It's very vulnerable, which is why I say it's difficult. But it's also simple. And though I often believe there's no way out and that if I allow myself to have these feelings, they'll overwhelm me and I'll never get past them, the truth is that in my experience, they pass much more quickly if I just sit with them.