In August I visited Berlin for perhaps the sixth time. (I lost track after a few years!) While I was strolling down a warm city street, I spotted a bag in the window of a store that read "If you can't make it in Berlin, you can't make it anywhere." My friends and I (two native Berliners and my American traveling companion) had a laugh and went on about our nighttime adventure.
But the phrase stuck in my mind.
There's a perception that Berlin is the easiest place to live. By California or New York standards, prices are comically low, it's very international and accepting of all cultures, the public transportation system is stellar, it's flat and there are a million places to park your bike... perfect, right?!
I certainly felt that way.
The truth is slightly more complicated.
First of all, EVERYONE wants to live here - people from everywhere have flocked here, lured by the low cost of living, and so everyone is also looking for a place to live. It's a constant conversation. Since moving here in February, I've already moved three times and I'm moving twice more before I settle into a 3-month sublet. You have to roll with the punches.
Yesterday I met up with two French friends for an avant-garde dance performance about female Bolivian MMA fighters. One of them told me that her therapist said this week that all her clients are disappointed and depressed because of the disconnect between their perceptions of what it would be like to move to Berlin and what the actual reality is to live here. I felt better in that I'm not alone, and worse knowing that there may not be a solution.
Amidst all this, I've started to reframe this experiment. Rather than doggedly clinging to the idea that I must stay here, I'm letting it unfold more organically. I'm opening up to people about the fact that it's not all roses and chocolates. I'm treating it as an adventure. There's only so much we can control in life. (VERY LITTLE, in my experience.) So I'm letting Berlin speak to me instead of trying to conquer it.
Sunday, April 9, 2017
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Sia and the art of finding your own path
On Saturday night, I went to hear Sia at the Hollywood Bowl. Her concert isn't just a bunch of lights and sets and performances - not that I don't enjoy those. :) It's performance art, and it's inspirational - she has found what works for her, which is to stand in the corner in her signature face-covering wig, and let the dancers express visually what she is singing. I loved it.
I first started listening to Sia a few years ago when my friend Tyler turned me on to the song "Be Good To Me" and of course there are dozens of hits on the radio written by Sia and recorded by other artists, but what truly inspires me about Sia is that she is on her own path. Because in my mind, in order to "make it" as a singer, I have to be young and skinny and beautiful, and most of all, sexy. And the older I get, the less that makes sense to me. But Sia is writing her own rules. Her video for "Chandelier" was so inspiring to me as a survivor of abuse, assault, loss and addiction. (It doesn't hurt that Maddie Ziegler's expressiveness is insanely fantastic!) And her performance Saturday night was transporting - as we were leaving the venue, I overheard the conversation a man near me was having and he said "It was the best concert I've ever been to. I didn't even feel like I was there with anyone. I was transported into another world."
It's such a good reminder for me that as an artist, it's not my job to give the industry what it is looking for. It's my job to find my own path and be true to it, whatever it may look like. And it may take years and years (it already has) but it really is a navigation of uncharted territory.
I first started listening to Sia a few years ago when my friend Tyler turned me on to the song "Be Good To Me" and of course there are dozens of hits on the radio written by Sia and recorded by other artists, but what truly inspires me about Sia is that she is on her own path. Because in my mind, in order to "make it" as a singer, I have to be young and skinny and beautiful, and most of all, sexy. And the older I get, the less that makes sense to me. But Sia is writing her own rules. Her video for "Chandelier" was so inspiring to me as a survivor of abuse, assault, loss and addiction. (It doesn't hurt that Maddie Ziegler's expressiveness is insanely fantastic!) And her performance Saturday night was transporting - as we were leaving the venue, I overheard the conversation a man near me was having and he said "It was the best concert I've ever been to. I didn't even feel like I was there with anyone. I was transported into another world."
It's such a good reminder for me that as an artist, it's not my job to give the industry what it is looking for. It's my job to find my own path and be true to it, whatever it may look like. And it may take years and years (it already has) but it really is a navigation of uncharted territory.
Sunday, January 31, 2016
How to stay positive between gigs
Everyone knows that being out of work can bring up a lot of feelings, fear and depression being the toughest to deal with. Not only don't you know where your rent is coming from, it can be lonely and hard to maintain a positive attitude. As a freelancer, these times can be frequent. What to do?
The first thing that has helped me in these times is to get super clear about my expenses - every dollar I spend, and develop an awareness of the difference between *needs* and things that are nice to have but can be on hold in dry spells.
If you're committed to self-employment, it's recommended to have anywhere from 6 months to a year's worth of expenses in a prudent reserve. You may want to put it in an account that is difficult to access so you won't be tempted to splurge on a fancy handbag during rich times, only to find you don't have enough during your next break between gigs. Either way, this account should include all the expenses you'll need to live on regardless of whether you have money coming in that month - not just rent, food and bills, but gifts, vacation money, taxes, clothing and charitable donations. If you feel too restricted for too long, you're bound to swing in the other direction and overspend to compensate for that feeling.
Once you've taken care of that, the best thing you can do during lean times is have your own projects. If you're a photographer, schedule free shoots with friends of friends. Challenge yourself to enter a group show. Shoot subjects you've never explored before. I have a tv writer friend who writes childrens' books in between tv staffing gigs - and she gets paid good money to do it! If you're an actor, write yourself a part. You may end up filming it, or it may just help you understand writing structure and introduce you to new collaborators. You can host a reading for free in your living room. If you're a wardrobe designer between gigs, create costumes from your imagination and post them on a free website.
Lastly, open yourself up to the possibility of doing work you hadn't considered. Share with people who like you that you have free time and would like to earn. It's amazing what people will come up with! Some of the things people suggested to me sounded awful, others I hadn't even thought of and were really fun. The more I explored, the clearer I got about what I *did* want to spend my time doing and how to actually get there!
If you have other suggestions for the woefully unemployed, please comment!
The first thing that has helped me in these times is to get super clear about my expenses - every dollar I spend, and develop an awareness of the difference between *needs* and things that are nice to have but can be on hold in dry spells.
If you're committed to self-employment, it's recommended to have anywhere from 6 months to a year's worth of expenses in a prudent reserve. You may want to put it in an account that is difficult to access so you won't be tempted to splurge on a fancy handbag during rich times, only to find you don't have enough during your next break between gigs. Either way, this account should include all the expenses you'll need to live on regardless of whether you have money coming in that month - not just rent, food and bills, but gifts, vacation money, taxes, clothing and charitable donations. If you feel too restricted for too long, you're bound to swing in the other direction and overspend to compensate for that feeling.
Once you've taken care of that, the best thing you can do during lean times is have your own projects. If you're a photographer, schedule free shoots with friends of friends. Challenge yourself to enter a group show. Shoot subjects you've never explored before. I have a tv writer friend who writes childrens' books in between tv staffing gigs - and she gets paid good money to do it! If you're an actor, write yourself a part. You may end up filming it, or it may just help you understand writing structure and introduce you to new collaborators. You can host a reading for free in your living room. If you're a wardrobe designer between gigs, create costumes from your imagination and post them on a free website.
Lastly, open yourself up to the possibility of doing work you hadn't considered. Share with people who like you that you have free time and would like to earn. It's amazing what people will come up with! Some of the things people suggested to me sounded awful, others I hadn't even thought of and were really fun. The more I explored, the clearer I got about what I *did* want to spend my time doing and how to actually get there!
If you have other suggestions for the woefully unemployed, please comment!
Friday, January 15, 2016
Spotlight, Marc Gafni, Bill Cosby and the legacy of sexual abuse
Starting at age 5, I was molested. Last year, at age 36, was the first time I spoke about it. 31 years of suffering in silence. And not just suffering on my own, but sometimes causing pain to others as a result of my wounds. Now granted, I didn't abuse anyone, and I probably didn't do lasting harm to others, but I definitely developed some self-destructive addictions. And when I hit bottom with those, I landed in a 12-step program.
In "Program" as it is called, I've learned how to stop the cycle by focusing on myself, my healing and the things I have control over. And sometimes I've sat in meetings with sex offenders and people who did real harm in their addictions. It has opened my eyes and given me a perspective I wasn't expecting when I entered the rooms, and I've come to believe that the kind of punishments we dole out as a society, from "correctional" facilities to public shaming, really aren't solving anything. I believe we need to recognize these things for what they are - a disease - and encourage real change. Otherwise we are just perpetuating a cycle of abuse and congratulating ourselves for punishing a few extreme cases.
One of the things I love about the movie Spotlight is the character of the grandmother. She shows us why some good people look the other way - they're just trying to cling to some guidance and grounding they have experienced in life. Another thing I thought was excellent about the film was the portrayal of the various victims who are interviewed by the journalists. The eating issues, drug addiction, depression, difficulty with healthy relationships, the terror. The effects of abuse are devastating, lifelong, and those survivors who are shown are the "lucky ones" because those who couldn't stand it had already taken their own lives.
In Sara Kabakov's article on Marc Gafni, she talks about the various times she tried to tell trusted authority figures about her horrifying experience. Each time, they didn't want to hear it. Sexual abuse is so hard to talk about, there's already so much shame associated with it, and when people hear about it, many don't want to believe it. How many people have swept Bill Cosby's abuses under the rug or brushed them off because they can't reconcile someone so wonderful doing such horrible things? Most abusers are charismatic. They create a persona that makes abuse by them seem unbelievable. They surround themselves with enablers, and when that doesn't work, they use threats, or they move. There are hundreds of examples of this. Two of my favorite quotes from Spotlight: "If it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a village to abuse a child" and "this is how it happens, huh? A guy leans on a guy and the whole town looks the other way."
Let's not look the other way.
In "Program" as it is called, I've learned how to stop the cycle by focusing on myself, my healing and the things I have control over. And sometimes I've sat in meetings with sex offenders and people who did real harm in their addictions. It has opened my eyes and given me a perspective I wasn't expecting when I entered the rooms, and I've come to believe that the kind of punishments we dole out as a society, from "correctional" facilities to public shaming, really aren't solving anything. I believe we need to recognize these things for what they are - a disease - and encourage real change. Otherwise we are just perpetuating a cycle of abuse and congratulating ourselves for punishing a few extreme cases.
One of the things I love about the movie Spotlight is the character of the grandmother. She shows us why some good people look the other way - they're just trying to cling to some guidance and grounding they have experienced in life. Another thing I thought was excellent about the film was the portrayal of the various victims who are interviewed by the journalists. The eating issues, drug addiction, depression, difficulty with healthy relationships, the terror. The effects of abuse are devastating, lifelong, and those survivors who are shown are the "lucky ones" because those who couldn't stand it had already taken their own lives.
In Sara Kabakov's article on Marc Gafni, she talks about the various times she tried to tell trusted authority figures about her horrifying experience. Each time, they didn't want to hear it. Sexual abuse is so hard to talk about, there's already so much shame associated with it, and when people hear about it, many don't want to believe it. How many people have swept Bill Cosby's abuses under the rug or brushed them off because they can't reconcile someone so wonderful doing such horrible things? Most abusers are charismatic. They create a persona that makes abuse by them seem unbelievable. They surround themselves with enablers, and when that doesn't work, they use threats, or they move. There are hundreds of examples of this. Two of my favorite quotes from Spotlight: "If it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a village to abuse a child" and "this is how it happens, huh? A guy leans on a guy and the whole town looks the other way."
Let's not look the other way.
Friday, November 6, 2015
speaking in the first person
I've spent a lot of my life telling other people how to do things. I think that felt less vulnerable than facing my own monumental issues, or it was just what I learned from my environment growing up.
In the past couple years, I've learned to start speaking in the first person. Sharing my experience instead of advice and assessments. (I can still share those when asked for feedback.)
It's incredibly freeing to say "this is my experience" instead of "this is what you should do." And it's also a lot less alienating. When I tell you about my experience of losing my sister at age 25 to a drunk driver, I'm not telling you what to do or how to act or how to feel. I'm sharing my life. I'm learning to use language, like every other tool of healing, like "a loose-fitting garment." I don't need to zip myself into tiny spaces, restrict myself (or you) or create a prison. I can allow, I can be, I can breathe, I can live and I can heal.
In the past couple years, I've learned to start speaking in the first person. Sharing my experience instead of advice and assessments. (I can still share those when asked for feedback.)
It's incredibly freeing to say "this is my experience" instead of "this is what you should do." And it's also a lot less alienating. When I tell you about my experience of losing my sister at age 25 to a drunk driver, I'm not telling you what to do or how to act or how to feel. I'm sharing my life. I'm learning to use language, like every other tool of healing, like "a loose-fitting garment." I don't need to zip myself into tiny spaces, restrict myself (or you) or create a prison. I can allow, I can be, I can breathe, I can live and I can heal.
Saturday, October 24, 2015
Pride in the Negative
I love people. That's my caveat. :)
But sometimes I get frustrated by people, too.
I see a lot of people posting how they hate math, or don't need math. Or how they're proud that their home is a mess because it makes them more interesting. Or that they just can't be on time, because that would be too restrictive.
I have to respectfully disagree with these point of view and other "pride in the negative" mindsets. For me, doing a little home cleaning or washing my car counts as self-care. And being on time is my way of showing you that I respect YOUR time. This isn't about perfectionism, and God knows it's easy for me to swing in that direction. Sometimes when I make a bunch of commitments I have to take a step back and reevaluate and realize that I actually can't do all that stuff, and a lot of times that happens when I'm late or my room is a mess. Then I get to look at all the things on my plate and ask myself, is this all serving me? Where can I simplify? And if that involves disappointing someone, I can take the time and care to let them know it's not personal and that I apologize for overcommitting.
And the kernel at the center of that acknowledgement is vulnerability. I can't do it all, I'm not perfect, I make mistakes, sometimes I have to disappoint someone. But I don't have to cover it over with a fake pride where I pretend that I intended to screw up. Ya know? Every time I trip it isn't because I wanted to entertain you with my hilarious slapstick comedy skills. Sometimes I just didn't see that uneven pavement, and I can take a deep breath and admit that I'm not perfect.
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
"I can be with your feelings but not with your stories"
A few years ago I went through a tough breakup. I loved him deeply and when it didn't work out, I had a lot of disappointment, resentment, sadness, anger, fear and frustration. We had been together for a while, so we had a lot of friends in common, and I really wanted them to side with me and see it from my perspective. He was wrong, right???!!!
One day on the phone our mutual friend stopped me. "Harmony, I can be present for your feelings but not for your stories." Fuck you, I wanted to scream! What does that mean? Through the Radical Aliveness Core Energetics work I do, and meditation, and recovery, and Byron Katie, I am starting to understand my friend's boundary. It's not that she didn't want to support me. She wanted to be present for me. But she wanted to be present for my FEELINGS.
Feelings are really simple yet often verrrrrry difficult. I'll do a lot to avoid feeling my sadness, my disappointment or my fear. I'll tell my stories to anyone who will listen (and many people who wish they weren't listening!) My stories are "He should have done it this way. She is a jerk. They are assholes. They don't get it." It's about labeling. Closing doors. Separating myself from others. I'll also drive too fast, get impatient in traffic, drink, smoke, shop, complain, criticize myself, eat crap... but am I willing to just slow down and FEEL? I can cry. I can breathe. I can call someone and just ask for a few moments of witnessing. It's very vulnerable, which is why I say it's difficult. But it's also simple. And though I often believe there's no way out and that if I allow myself to have these feelings, they'll overwhelm me and I'll never get past them, the truth is that in my experience, they pass much more quickly if I just sit with them.
One day on the phone our mutual friend stopped me. "Harmony, I can be present for your feelings but not for your stories." Fuck you, I wanted to scream! What does that mean? Through the Radical Aliveness Core Energetics work I do, and meditation, and recovery, and Byron Katie, I am starting to understand my friend's boundary. It's not that she didn't want to support me. She wanted to be present for me. But she wanted to be present for my FEELINGS.
Feelings are really simple yet often verrrrrry difficult. I'll do a lot to avoid feeling my sadness, my disappointment or my fear. I'll tell my stories to anyone who will listen (and many people who wish they weren't listening!) My stories are "He should have done it this way. She is a jerk. They are assholes. They don't get it." It's about labeling. Closing doors. Separating myself from others. I'll also drive too fast, get impatient in traffic, drink, smoke, shop, complain, criticize myself, eat crap... but am I willing to just slow down and FEEL? I can cry. I can breathe. I can call someone and just ask for a few moments of witnessing. It's very vulnerable, which is why I say it's difficult. But it's also simple. And though I often believe there's no way out and that if I allow myself to have these feelings, they'll overwhelm me and I'll never get past them, the truth is that in my experience, they pass much more quickly if I just sit with them.
Thursday, August 27, 2015
the message of illness (or, what I learned from taking a selfie)
This week I got sick. I had all kinds of birthday plans, plus a lot of work to do, and instead the universe said, nope! You're going to stay in bed and do very little.
I have been struggling emotionally anyway, so this didn't really help. But then my Core Energetics practitioner suggested I "reframe." What could I learn from it? What do I need to let go of?
I pondered, I did some writing and meditating, and I had one idea come to me but wasn't sure if it was correct. There are a few dresses hanging in my hall closet - beautiful size 4 dresses that used to look amazing on me. Although I've let go of a lot of my everyday clothes from my anorexia days, it's harder to let go of these fancy dresses. I left them hanging in the closet.
Then yesterday after a few days of nothing but the inside of my bedroom, I started to go stir crazy. Feeling a teeny bit better, I drove to Malibu and got in the water, (which isn't very cold at the moment since this heat wave has been going on since, you know, THE BEGINNING OF TIME it feels like)
And I asked "what do I need to let go of?"
Still no answer. So I told the universe, whatever I need to let go of, please help me know it.
When I got out of the water, I received a text message from a friend who hasn't been in LA in a while, saying "I miss you!" I decided to take a beach selfie and send it. As I was trying to position myself in an "attractive" way, it hit me.
I NEED TO LET GO OF HATING MY BODY.
For as long as I can remember, I've hated my body and I've hated myself. I'm starting to realize that no matter what I accomplish, no matter how many people tell me it's amazing or wonderful, or that I am, or that I'm beautiful or sexy or gorgeous, I don't believe it and I don't love myself. I'm going to make 37 the year I go directly to the root of this problem - the trauma I experienced as a child. I've done a lot of healing up until now, but I haven't gone all the way.
Healing my childhood trauma will be my main focus from now until the day I wake up saying, "I am enough. Exactly as I am."
I have been struggling emotionally anyway, so this didn't really help. But then my Core Energetics practitioner suggested I "reframe." What could I learn from it? What do I need to let go of?
I pondered, I did some writing and meditating, and I had one idea come to me but wasn't sure if it was correct. There are a few dresses hanging in my hall closet - beautiful size 4 dresses that used to look amazing on me. Although I've let go of a lot of my everyday clothes from my anorexia days, it's harder to let go of these fancy dresses. I left them hanging in the closet.
Then yesterday after a few days of nothing but the inside of my bedroom, I started to go stir crazy. Feeling a teeny bit better, I drove to Malibu and got in the water, (which isn't very cold at the moment since this heat wave has been going on since, you know, THE BEGINNING OF TIME it feels like)
And I asked "what do I need to let go of?"
Still no answer. So I told the universe, whatever I need to let go of, please help me know it.
When I got out of the water, I received a text message from a friend who hasn't been in LA in a while, saying "I miss you!" I decided to take a beach selfie and send it. As I was trying to position myself in an "attractive" way, it hit me.
I NEED TO LET GO OF HATING MY BODY.
For as long as I can remember, I've hated my body and I've hated myself. I'm starting to realize that no matter what I accomplish, no matter how many people tell me it's amazing or wonderful, or that I am, or that I'm beautiful or sexy or gorgeous, I don't believe it and I don't love myself. I'm going to make 37 the year I go directly to the root of this problem - the trauma I experienced as a child. I've done a lot of healing up until now, but I haven't gone all the way.
Healing my childhood trauma will be my main focus from now until the day I wake up saying, "I am enough. Exactly as I am."
Friday, April 17, 2015
The world needs this message
Through the process of creating, performing and sharing my show, I've been learning another way.
"Afraid of Karma" is about healing generational karma: transforming the cycle of negativity through personal responsibility. And what I'm coming to see is that this show is not about me needing to be seen, or told that I am a good singer or a good actress.
I'm a messenger, and the world needs this message. I believe that is why I have received more support for this project than for anything else I've ever done in my life.
106 people have already backed the "Afraid of Karma" campaign, and many more have shared it, come to see the show and told me they want to get on board. It feels good on a personal level because I am of service and I get to do what I love. It doesn't feel selfish because doing this project adds to the world instead of taking away from it. And from that place, I get to be even more expansive and generous. The world is full of infinite possibility and it's very exciting!
Would you like to join me in helping to end drunk driving and heal generational karma?
Monday, February 2, 2015
How do you treat a baby?
I recently gave birth to a beautiful baby.
I brought a story called "Afraid of Karma" into existence. It began with writing, recording and producing an album of indie rock electro-pop music, and then those songs became the skeleton of my solo show.
During the process, I wrestled with a lot of self-judgment. "I am not pretty enough. I am not thin enough. My voice isn't good enough. I'm not young enough." And after the first performance, I tumbled into a dark place, hating myself and my work, wanting to give up and even resenting the people who had helped me bring it into the world. (Sound familiar to any new moms?)
But once I got a little distance from the show and heard the objective feedback of audience members, I began to have a new understanding. I'd had an unconscious hope, which really was an unconscious demand, that the show make money. And since that didn't happen instantaneously, my mind told me that the show had been a failure.
In reality, the show became its own entity when I birthed it. And as its own entity, it's not my place to criticize it, bash it, belittle it or impose unreasonable demands on it as I often do to myself. (And why do I think it's ok to treat myself that way? That's a blogpost for another day!) Instead, as the show is an infant, it's actually my job to care for it, to nurture it, to feed it, to allow it to grow and evolve at its own pace and to let it guide me. That is how I would raise a child.
I brought a story called "Afraid of Karma" into existence. It began with writing, recording and producing an album of indie rock electro-pop music, and then those songs became the skeleton of my solo show.
During the process, I wrestled with a lot of self-judgment. "I am not pretty enough. I am not thin enough. My voice isn't good enough. I'm not young enough." And after the first performance, I tumbled into a dark place, hating myself and my work, wanting to give up and even resenting the people who had helped me bring it into the world. (Sound familiar to any new moms?)
But once I got a little distance from the show and heard the objective feedback of audience members, I began to have a new understanding. I'd had an unconscious hope, which really was an unconscious demand, that the show make money. And since that didn't happen instantaneously, my mind told me that the show had been a failure.
In reality, the show became its own entity when I birthed it. And as its own entity, it's not my place to criticize it, bash it, belittle it or impose unreasonable demands on it as I often do to myself. (And why do I think it's ok to treat myself that way? That's a blogpost for another day!) Instead, as the show is an infant, it's actually my job to care for it, to nurture it, to feed it, to allow it to grow and evolve at its own pace and to let it guide me. That is how I would raise a child.
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Resistance and Willingness
I've noticed something over the past few months - when I am in my willingness, in my surrender, good things happen. It can feel like the floor is going to drop out from under me, because I have been so invested in my own ego, my own little plans, my CONTROL over everything - I had just been so unfamiliar with surrender, it felt super uncomfortable at first!
But now that I am learning to trust my higher power and the experience of people who have walked this path before me, I am beginning to receive the gifts of willingness. Sometimes it means I have to (get to) do things I wasn't planning on doing. Like right now, I am driving for Uber and Lyft. Yes, me, in my beautiful BMW 328i, driving people around Los Angeles! But it's my way of energetically saying to the Universe, I am willing to do whatever it takes to support myself, to get out of my fear, out of my isolation. And now when I encounter resistance, whether it is from friends or situations, I can calmly sit with that and allow my higher power to guide me.
"Nothing is urgent" says my friend Karla, and the more I adopt that attitude, the easier it is for me to slow down, feel myself and set appropriate boundaries with others. I feel so calm compared to how I used to feel when I wanted to do it all, be the best, get ahead or whatever other mentalities I was in at any given moment. Now I know, and often experience, that if this little plan doesn't work out, there's probably something better that is going to happen. And even if there isn't, I am ok. I am here in the present moment, accepting reality as it is, flowing with the current of life, in joy, gratitude and peace.
But now that I am learning to trust my higher power and the experience of people who have walked this path before me, I am beginning to receive the gifts of willingness. Sometimes it means I have to (get to) do things I wasn't planning on doing. Like right now, I am driving for Uber and Lyft. Yes, me, in my beautiful BMW 328i, driving people around Los Angeles! But it's my way of energetically saying to the Universe, I am willing to do whatever it takes to support myself, to get out of my fear, out of my isolation. And now when I encounter resistance, whether it is from friends or situations, I can calmly sit with that and allow my higher power to guide me.
"Nothing is urgent" says my friend Karla, and the more I adopt that attitude, the easier it is for me to slow down, feel myself and set appropriate boundaries with others. I feel so calm compared to how I used to feel when I wanted to do it all, be the best, get ahead or whatever other mentalities I was in at any given moment. Now I know, and often experience, that if this little plan doesn't work out, there's probably something better that is going to happen. And even if there isn't, I am ok. I am here in the present moment, accepting reality as it is, flowing with the current of life, in joy, gratitude and peace.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Why is it so hard to meditate???
Everyone knows about meditation - most spiritual traditions believe it is essential, it often brings enlightenment or at least illuminates challenging issues, and yet, it can be really hard.
Right now, I meditate every day. But for years, I really struggled with meditation. I felt completely anxious and restless. My mind would race and I was extremely uncomfortable. Sometimes I would look at the timer and feel like scratching my skin off when less than a minute had gone by since the last time I checked. What changed?
I got out of my self-will. I stopped swimming upstream and started to listen to my guides (slash The Universe slash God.) Once I let go of wanting to do things "my way" or for my own selfish, contrived reasons, meditating became peaceful. These days, I welcome it, enjoy it and even crave it. Because not only does it feel good to just BE without needing to do, meditation actually gives me messages, opens the space for me to receive guidance. I couldn't receive that wise guidance when I was running around trying to do everything my way, to get validation from the opinions of others, to win, or whatever other hyper, crazy motives I had. I was blocking those messages with my self-will, and therefore meditation was pure discomfort. I had to surrender to the flow of the universe for things to start to make sense and be easy.
Right now, I meditate every day. But for years, I really struggled with meditation. I felt completely anxious and restless. My mind would race and I was extremely uncomfortable. Sometimes I would look at the timer and feel like scratching my skin off when less than a minute had gone by since the last time I checked. What changed?
I got out of my self-will. I stopped swimming upstream and started to listen to my guides (slash The Universe slash God.) Once I let go of wanting to do things "my way" or for my own selfish, contrived reasons, meditating became peaceful. These days, I welcome it, enjoy it and even crave it. Because not only does it feel good to just BE without needing to do, meditation actually gives me messages, opens the space for me to receive guidance. I couldn't receive that wise guidance when I was running around trying to do everything my way, to get validation from the opinions of others, to win, or whatever other hyper, crazy motives I had. I was blocking those messages with my self-will, and therefore meditation was pure discomfort. I had to surrender to the flow of the universe for things to start to make sense and be easy.
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Showing up for what is
I'm on a spiritual path. I mean, fuck - I changed my name to Harmony!
What is a spiritual path? Well, first of all, it's a path, not one single place to stop and stay. So it's constantly evolving and what it is for me today is not what it was 6 months or a year ago, and I'm sure it will look different in the future.
That being said, my current understanding of a spiritual path is that I get to show up for what is. Whatever is actually happening, whether it's what I "want" or not. I've created so many plans and ideals in my head, that often I have a tendency to resist what is actually coming to me. In her life-changing book, Loving What Is, Byron Katie talks about accepting reality exactly as it is. I have had major resistance to this concept because often what has really been going on in my life has looked so different from what I thought I wanted. But now that I am learning to flow with the Universe instead of trying to push the boulder of my self-will up the mountain, I see that any experience can help me.
Let's say someone is doing something I don't like. My choices are to blame them and make them wrong, and stay as I am (self-will) or to examine what this is really telling me and how I can show up with 100% self-responsibility. That does not mean allowing unacceptable behavior from this person. It means drawing my boundaries and then looking at how I might be either contributing to the situation or what the situation might be telling me about where I have room to grow. (This is why I believe it is so important to have people in my life who have integrity, that way I can ask them to mirror my blind spots without worrying that they might be manipulating me.)
It may sound crazy or ridiculous, but I am actually grateful to the people who push on me in various ways because then I get to see my blind spots. When I think someone is "doing something to me" I get to take a step back and see where I am involved. And if I am truly 0% involved, I get to say simply and directly to that person, "I don't like what you are doing and I will not accept that behavior from you." But most likely, I do have something to learn and there is some way that I can show up for my life with more self-responsibility, and that is a gift the Universe gives me.
Thanks for reading - I welcome your feedback on this post!
What is a spiritual path? Well, first of all, it's a path, not one single place to stop and stay. So it's constantly evolving and what it is for me today is not what it was 6 months or a year ago, and I'm sure it will look different in the future.
That being said, my current understanding of a spiritual path is that I get to show up for what is. Whatever is actually happening, whether it's what I "want" or not. I've created so many plans and ideals in my head, that often I have a tendency to resist what is actually coming to me. In her life-changing book, Loving What Is, Byron Katie talks about accepting reality exactly as it is. I have had major resistance to this concept because often what has really been going on in my life has looked so different from what I thought I wanted. But now that I am learning to flow with the Universe instead of trying to push the boulder of my self-will up the mountain, I see that any experience can help me.
Let's say someone is doing something I don't like. My choices are to blame them and make them wrong, and stay as I am (self-will) or to examine what this is really telling me and how I can show up with 100% self-responsibility. That does not mean allowing unacceptable behavior from this person. It means drawing my boundaries and then looking at how I might be either contributing to the situation or what the situation might be telling me about where I have room to grow. (This is why I believe it is so important to have people in my life who have integrity, that way I can ask them to mirror my blind spots without worrying that they might be manipulating me.)
It may sound crazy or ridiculous, but I am actually grateful to the people who push on me in various ways because then I get to see my blind spots. When I think someone is "doing something to me" I get to take a step back and see where I am involved. And if I am truly 0% involved, I get to say simply and directly to that person, "I don't like what you are doing and I will not accept that behavior from you." But most likely, I do have something to learn and there is some way that I can show up for my life with more self-responsibility, and that is a gift the Universe gives me.
Thanks for reading - I welcome your feedback on this post!
Thursday, September 26, 2013
How do you stop yourself from receiving?
Right now in my life, I am starting to get everything I have wished and hoped and worked for. Do I feel amazing? Yes. Do I also feel that creeping sense of overwhelm starting to bubble up, making me want to sabotage it all by crawling into bed or ruining it? Also yes.
Here's the thing. We beg the universe to give us success, love and money, but we often don't acknowledge that all of those things are ENERGY. If we can't allow intense energy to flow through us, we will stop it as soon as it starts to feel too intense.
I learned this very acutely a couple years ago when I booked my first national Prius commercial. We had a 2-week shoot on the Universal Studios lot. I knew the budget was in the multi-millions. People from wardrobe, makeup, hair, production, ad agency and many other departments knew who I was because they had my picture and name up on a board in their offices. The work I was doing was challenging physical work since the spot involved elements of acrobatics. I'm a former dancer and I had taken some trapeze classes, but there were other performers who had starred in Cirque du Soleil for years and one of them was even a gold-medal Olympic gymnast. It was the first audition I had gone on with my new manager, so I didn't want to disappoint him. I felt totally out of my league, even though the audition process had been rigorous and the director had specifically chosen me.
Basically, I was terrified that I would get fired, and I started to get into my head and worry that they'd made a mistake, that I had somehow fooled them and they didn't really want me on this huge project.
That first night when I got home, I got into a hot bath to ease the muscles that had started to ache after a hard day of being strapped into a harness 30 feet off the ground... and I cried. I realized I was overwhelmed, but I had a choice. Did I want to let this thing THAT I HAD ASKED FOR AND BEGGED FOR from the Universe to melt me down? Did I want to go back to square one and have my fears of not being enough confirmed?
No. I needed to allow. Allow the Universe to give to me.
So I knew I had to go to my grounding practices - my Radical Aliveness/Core Energetics techniques and my tantric meditation. I needed to allow my body to vibrate with this intense energy with my feet firmly planted on the ground. These are daily practices and they are as essential to prepare for the world stage I crave as vocal coaching or band rehearsal.
(If you're feeling like maybe you need some of this personal spiritual nourishment, I highly encourage you! I particularly love Angela Ai's artist workshops, Ann Bradney, Steve Maher, Kamana Hunter and Anna Timmermans.)
Here's the thing. We beg the universe to give us success, love and money, but we often don't acknowledge that all of those things are ENERGY. If we can't allow intense energy to flow through us, we will stop it as soon as it starts to feel too intense.
I learned this very acutely a couple years ago when I booked my first national Prius commercial. We had a 2-week shoot on the Universal Studios lot. I knew the budget was in the multi-millions. People from wardrobe, makeup, hair, production, ad agency and many other departments knew who I was because they had my picture and name up on a board in their offices. The work I was doing was challenging physical work since the spot involved elements of acrobatics. I'm a former dancer and I had taken some trapeze classes, but there were other performers who had starred in Cirque du Soleil for years and one of them was even a gold-medal Olympic gymnast. It was the first audition I had gone on with my new manager, so I didn't want to disappoint him. I felt totally out of my league, even though the audition process had been rigorous and the director had specifically chosen me.
Basically, I was terrified that I would get fired, and I started to get into my head and worry that they'd made a mistake, that I had somehow fooled them and they didn't really want me on this huge project.
That first night when I got home, I got into a hot bath to ease the muscles that had started to ache after a hard day of being strapped into a harness 30 feet off the ground... and I cried. I realized I was overwhelmed, but I had a choice. Did I want to let this thing THAT I HAD ASKED FOR AND BEGGED FOR from the Universe to melt me down? Did I want to go back to square one and have my fears of not being enough confirmed?
No. I needed to allow. Allow the Universe to give to me.
So I knew I had to go to my grounding practices - my Radical Aliveness/Core Energetics techniques and my tantric meditation. I needed to allow my body to vibrate with this intense energy with my feet firmly planted on the ground. These are daily practices and they are as essential to prepare for the world stage I crave as vocal coaching or band rehearsal.
(If you're feeling like maybe you need some of this personal spiritual nourishment, I highly encourage you! I particularly love Angela Ai's artist workshops, Ann Bradney, Steve Maher, Kamana Hunter and Anna Timmermans.)
Sunday, August 25, 2013
The creativity trapped inside
You got hurt.
Maybe once, maybe a few times, maybe so many times that it felt like all the time.
You got hurt and you shut down. You shut down your feelings and with them, you shut down your creativity.
But now you're a grownup, or so you're told, and you want to make something of your life. Make art. Write a book. Sing out loud.
So you've started to work on yourself. And you've found that you feel stifled. Thwarted. You think, it's so old, it happened so long ago, you can't change it now. But, oh! How you long to express yourself!
That creative energy inside you is a baby bird trapped in the shell around your heart. Let her scratch and peck with her beak from within, let that shell crack open from the inside. From the outside, massage it and dissolve it to thin it out and loosen it up. Take that baby step - paint something knowing that you're going to tear it up, throw it out, burn it... no one has to see the intermediates in your process. You're not going to bake a perfect pie inside your mind without getting into the kitchen and charring a few crusts.
Before you know it, you'll look back at the person you are today and think, I've come so far.
So begin! Don't leave your creative energy bouncing around inside you - it's not doing any good there.
Sending you my love and support, and looking forward to seeing what surprises you have in store for me, you creative genius!
Maybe once, maybe a few times, maybe so many times that it felt like all the time.
You got hurt and you shut down. You shut down your feelings and with them, you shut down your creativity.
But now you're a grownup, or so you're told, and you want to make something of your life. Make art. Write a book. Sing out loud.
So you've started to work on yourself. And you've found that you feel stifled. Thwarted. You think, it's so old, it happened so long ago, you can't change it now. But, oh! How you long to express yourself!
That creative energy inside you is a baby bird trapped in the shell around your heart. Let her scratch and peck with her beak from within, let that shell crack open from the inside. From the outside, massage it and dissolve it to thin it out and loosen it up. Take that baby step - paint something knowing that you're going to tear it up, throw it out, burn it... no one has to see the intermediates in your process. You're not going to bake a perfect pie inside your mind without getting into the kitchen and charring a few crusts.
Before you know it, you'll look back at the person you are today and think, I've come so far.
So begin! Don't leave your creative energy bouncing around inside you - it's not doing any good there.
Sending you my love and support, and looking forward to seeing what surprises you have in store for me, you creative genius!
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Operating from our creative center
For years, I pushed myself so hard. Stayed up all night every weeknight studying, inhaling Diet Coke. Somewhere inside I knew that I was creative - I played music and sang, I wrote plays and short stories, painted and drew, even etched glass... but I was convinced that my worth to the world was in being a scientist, and as a girl who excelled at math and chemistry, that seemed like a much more practical life. So I worked relentlessly.
Once I started doing Core Energetics, I got some pretty surprising feedback. People kept telling me I moved too fast, didn't listen, drove them crazy with my stubborn drive to succeed. This was REALLY hard to swallow. But eventually I started to take it in. And soon I found that it actually was possible for me to feel tired, to get to a natural stopping point and sleep for the night. I began to understand different energy centers in the body.
When I operated from my will center, that was all about my back. Pushing through no matter how tired or unhappy I felt. But the creative centers are in more vulnerable places - the heart, the throat and the pelvis. It can feel unsafe for many of us to allow our energy to flow here. And yet, it is essential for creativity.
The next time you're meditating, imagine energy flowing from the earth through your pelvis, through your heart and through your throat. It may naturally emerge from your mouth - perhaps you're a verbal expresser like me. Or it may then flow through your arms and out your hands - maybe you'll write or draw or paint or sculpt or build today? But know that this vulnerable, delicate place is a beautiful center of your creativity. Let it flow.
Friday, June 21, 2013
How to make it in this town
Everyone wants to know how to make it in the entertainment business. After talking to many, many successful people, I've narrowed it down to 4 steps.
Not only do I feel these are the essence of success, they're also the key to happiness.
1. Stay.
This is a 10-year town. You may hit the jackpot on year 1 like my friend J., then get dropped by your fancy agent and spend the next 4 years trying to make ends meet. Or you may work hard for 9 years, secretly fearing that nothing good is ever going to happen to you, and in year 10, it all falls into place. But if you leave when the going gets tough in year 3 or 4 or 5, you'll never reap the benefits of all your hard work and struggle. STAY HERE if you really want it.
Which brings us to...
2. Figure out how to make the money you need to do what you want.
I don't just mean figure out how to pay your rent and your car insurance. You need to have fun, too. You need financial freedom. Anyone can sacrifice for a few months or a year. But over time, if you aren't enjoying your day-to-day life, you are not going to be able to keep going. Do you love live music? Eating out? Going to Disneyland? Seeing movies at the Arclight? You gotta have cash. Don't be a martyr. Figure out a way to make that money that doesn't depend on your ability to book.
3. Spend time with the people you love.
I see so many people land in LA and try to meet "important people." They don't necessarily connect deeply, but these newbies are convinced that famous or powerful people will be the key to their success. This is backward thinking. (Not to mention social climbing.) Connect with people who are on your wavelength, who make you feel good, who raise you up and inspire you creatively. These people are your team, and one day, most likely, you will all rise to the top around the same time. Don't try to ride on the coattails of the already-successful/rich/famous/powerful people you have put on a pedestal. (They have their own gang, anyway.)
4. Find a way to be fulfilled creatively in the meantime.
Don't wait around for that magical day when you will be a series regular. You need to be creative on a regular basis. I have heard Jessica Chastain say that when she was broke and not booking, she went to the library every day and just read plays. Creativity rarely comes in only one flavor. Most creative people I know can do lots of different things. You didn't book this week? This month? This year? OK, it happens to everyone. Write a poem. Go to the Palisades and sketch your view of the ocean. Bake something. Take a dance class. Just when you least expect it, that job will come along.
What do you think of this recipe for success? Has any of this worked for you? Does it resonate with your experience? I'd love to hear your feedback in the comments!
All my best,
Harmony
Thursday, February 21, 2013
COMPASSION: The missing ingredient to solving the world's problems.
Last night I was privileged to attend a screening and Q&A with this year's Oscar-nominated documentaries. First of all, what an incredible group of films this year! It's hard to say which films deserve the Academy Award because they're all inspirational, and they all raise consciousness of important issues.
In the short doc category, I found myself particularly touched by the story of women cancer patients who visit a salon, "Mondays at Racine." I related to the notion that no matter how good of a person you are, you may still get sick or have terrible life events befall you. This certainly was the case when my sister Hannah was killed by a drunk driver at age 25.
In the feature category, I was struck by the nominees - 2 films about the Israel-Palestine situation, a film about the activism that helped change AIDS from a death sentence to a long-term illness, a film about sexual assault in the American military, and a film about a singer who finds his niche on the other side of the world.
Since all these features are amazing and expertly crafted, I tried to ask myself, which one would raise consciousness in a way that could really change things the most in our broken world? I don't yet have an answer to that, but in the discussion with the filmmakers following the screening, one of the directors spoke these simple words: NONVIOLENCE WORKS. This resonated so strongly for me I cried. (Not for the first time during the night!)
I truly believe that as humans we get into cycles. One group is oppressed by another, they turn around and oppress others. A child is abused and grows up to be angry or abusive. Cycle, cycle, cycle. The only way to exit this vortex and begin a new, more positive path is compassion. Slowing down, feeling our feelings, allowing ourselves the space and time and patience to cry and process. Looking at the other not as the source of our problems but as another equally flawed individual. At its heart, compassion is about self-responsibility. I am not going to blame you for my problems and use that as an excuse to hurt you. I am going to accept that shit happens and move forward as an adult. I might have to give something up in order to do that. I might have to mourn the loss of a fantasy world in which every debt is paid equally. But I can hear you, I can love you, I can accept you. And in that place, I can love myself.
In the short doc category, I found myself particularly touched by the story of women cancer patients who visit a salon, "Mondays at Racine." I related to the notion that no matter how good of a person you are, you may still get sick or have terrible life events befall you. This certainly was the case when my sister Hannah was killed by a drunk driver at age 25.
In the feature category, I was struck by the nominees - 2 films about the Israel-Palestine situation, a film about the activism that helped change AIDS from a death sentence to a long-term illness, a film about sexual assault in the American military, and a film about a singer who finds his niche on the other side of the world.
Since all these features are amazing and expertly crafted, I tried to ask myself, which one would raise consciousness in a way that could really change things the most in our broken world? I don't yet have an answer to that, but in the discussion with the filmmakers following the screening, one of the directors spoke these simple words: NONVIOLENCE WORKS. This resonated so strongly for me I cried. (Not for the first time during the night!)
I truly believe that as humans we get into cycles. One group is oppressed by another, they turn around and oppress others. A child is abused and grows up to be angry or abusive. Cycle, cycle, cycle. The only way to exit this vortex and begin a new, more positive path is compassion. Slowing down, feeling our feelings, allowing ourselves the space and time and patience to cry and process. Looking at the other not as the source of our problems but as another equally flawed individual. At its heart, compassion is about self-responsibility. I am not going to blame you for my problems and use that as an excuse to hurt you. I am going to accept that shit happens and move forward as an adult. I might have to give something up in order to do that. I might have to mourn the loss of a fantasy world in which every debt is paid equally. But I can hear you, I can love you, I can accept you. And in that place, I can love myself.
Friday, February 1, 2013
It's February. Do you know where your goals are?
So we're a month into 2013. Personally I am loving this year. Last year I honed my intentions and now I'm implementing. And since January is now a memory, I'm looking at the goals I set for myself as 2012 drew to a close.
So far: doing well at vocalizing daily and moving forward with my music.
Said I would read one book a month. Almost done with a novel I'm reading and about halfway through a non-fiction book. Here's an area of improvement for me. Instead of just saying "read more" or "read one book a month" I'm also tracking the movies and shows I watch. I love being in the entertainment industry, but the lines between work and fun can get blurry so I don't want to get to the end of the year and realize I didn't read much (or write, for that matter) and yet somehow found the time to veg out with a zillion hours of watching. This week I've watched 30 minutes and I won't add to that til I finish this novel! (And it's a great one - I'll tell you about it when I'm done!)
Said I was going to redo my headshots. Did all the research into photographers which was a great experience, then realized through that process and talking to some other great mentors of mine that I still want to hone my image so I really know what I want from the photo shoot, and that changing headshots can be a minus because CDs "lose you" therefore I have put the shoot on hold until that process is complete, and in the meantime I will continue communicating with the CDs who bring me in regularly so that when I do change my photos they won't lose track of me.
Also said I would keep in touch with my target list. I sent postcards to most of them this month, so that was good. I also know I want to create a one-sheet that says more about me, and this has been a roadblock for me in the past. Part of it is my insecurity. Part of it is that I'm not a very good graphic designer. Part of it is my computer. I am going to buy a new computer by the end of February, and I am going to ask for testimonials, and I am going to ask for help (ie, hire someone) if by February 20th I haven't done it!
I have known for a while that I have been wanting to work on my acting technique so I audited a class that came highly recommended and signed up. I start February 12th.
I also said I was going to start looking for a manager. I haven't done anything about this. Partly due to overcommitment, but mostly because I still have awkwardness around it. I will ask for at least one referral this month.
Yeah, it's going to be another busy month in Harmonyland!
Are you moving forward on the lofty 2013 goals you set a month ago? Please share what you've accomplished as well as your thoughts on why things haven't moved forward if that's the case. As always I love it when this becomes a conversation!
So far: doing well at vocalizing daily and moving forward with my music.
Said I would read one book a month. Almost done with a novel I'm reading and about halfway through a non-fiction book. Here's an area of improvement for me. Instead of just saying "read more" or "read one book a month" I'm also tracking the movies and shows I watch. I love being in the entertainment industry, but the lines between work and fun can get blurry so I don't want to get to the end of the year and realize I didn't read much (or write, for that matter) and yet somehow found the time to veg out with a zillion hours of watching. This week I've watched 30 minutes and I won't add to that til I finish this novel! (And it's a great one - I'll tell you about it when I'm done!)
Said I was going to redo my headshots. Did all the research into photographers which was a great experience, then realized through that process and talking to some other great mentors of mine that I still want to hone my image so I really know what I want from the photo shoot, and that changing headshots can be a minus because CDs "lose you" therefore I have put the shoot on hold until that process is complete, and in the meantime I will continue communicating with the CDs who bring me in regularly so that when I do change my photos they won't lose track of me.
Also said I would keep in touch with my target list. I sent postcards to most of them this month, so that was good. I also know I want to create a one-sheet that says more about me, and this has been a roadblock for me in the past. Part of it is my insecurity. Part of it is that I'm not a very good graphic designer. Part of it is my computer. I am going to buy a new computer by the end of February, and I am going to ask for testimonials, and I am going to ask for help (ie, hire someone) if by February 20th I haven't done it!
I have known for a while that I have been wanting to work on my acting technique so I audited a class that came highly recommended and signed up. I start February 12th.
I also said I was going to start looking for a manager. I haven't done anything about this. Partly due to overcommitment, but mostly because I still have awkwardness around it. I will ask for at least one referral this month.
Yeah, it's going to be another busy month in Harmonyland!
Are you moving forward on the lofty 2013 goals you set a month ago? Please share what you've accomplished as well as your thoughts on why things haven't moved forward if that's the case. As always I love it when this becomes a conversation!
Sunday, December 30, 2012
2012 - a year of transition
This year, I moved. Then I moved again. Then I moved AGAIN!
I won't bore you with the nitty-gritty details but suffice to say that each time I moved, I got closer to what I really wanted. It was probably more expensive than just moving to the perfect place all in one shot, and definitely more work, but it also taught me a powerful lesson about "perfection" and its dangerous friend, perfectionism.
Often when I want to do something perfectly the first time, what ends up happening is I procrastinate, think, plan, obsess, question... and years later, nothing has changed. No forward movement.
Nowadays I'm seeing that the best thing for me to do is take a step. Take an action. Let it be messy. Let it be imperfect. Learn from it. Share it. Once it's out there, I can modify it, improve it, polish it. But until it exists in reality, it's just an idea in my head. And that is not the way to make creative projects move forward.
The moving situation exactly paralleled what was going on in my creative life. As I broke out of each successive safe but uninspired living situation, I also started to express myself, to take risks in my writing and my music. And now I'm halfway through a major personal project! (I'll share more specifics soon, I promise.)
So my advice? Begin. Let it be a mess. Let it be wrong and not as good as you imagined and not as shiny as it appeared in your head. Then polish it, sit with it, turn it around in your hand. Eventually it will become what you imagined and more. And you'll feel amazing.
I won't bore you with the nitty-gritty details but suffice to say that each time I moved, I got closer to what I really wanted. It was probably more expensive than just moving to the perfect place all in one shot, and definitely more work, but it also taught me a powerful lesson about "perfection" and its dangerous friend, perfectionism.
Often when I want to do something perfectly the first time, what ends up happening is I procrastinate, think, plan, obsess, question... and years later, nothing has changed. No forward movement.
Nowadays I'm seeing that the best thing for me to do is take a step. Take an action. Let it be messy. Let it be imperfect. Learn from it. Share it. Once it's out there, I can modify it, improve it, polish it. But until it exists in reality, it's just an idea in my head. And that is not the way to make creative projects move forward.
The moving situation exactly paralleled what was going on in my creative life. As I broke out of each successive safe but uninspired living situation, I also started to express myself, to take risks in my writing and my music. And now I'm halfway through a major personal project! (I'll share more specifics soon, I promise.)
So my advice? Begin. Let it be a mess. Let it be wrong and not as good as you imagined and not as shiny as it appeared in your head. Then polish it, sit with it, turn it around in your hand. Eventually it will become what you imagined and more. And you'll feel amazing.
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