Being generous with the Universe

I had an interesting chat with a friend the other day. She was saying, we all want the Universe to be generous with us. But what are we giving to the Universe?

This really got me thinking. I know I have issues receiving, which is why sometimes I work so hard and feel like I'm "getting nowhere." So I am definitely committing to opening up and receiving. (I even joined this things called The Receiving Project and so far I'm loving it. You can join for free by clicking on the link.)

But then today after a great session with my amazing therapist, I felt so light and full of love for the world, that I posted on Facebook offering to do some favors for others. And it is already amazing! I am going to help a friend with her headshots, wrote a review for my friend's business, had a long chat with a good friend who has moved away from LA, spoke with another friend of a friend who is going through a tough time, connected some people with resources that will help them, and funded two projects on Kickstarter and Indiegogo. Phew! It feels great to get away from the selfishness that sometimes creeps into the life of a self-employed self-starter.

Now off to write more lyrics for my album!

Slowing down...

I'm accustomed to doing 27 different things at once. It's a habit I've had for as long as I can remember. Being so busy shields me from having to feel the feelings that inevitably come up about "not having made it yet" or "what have I seen you in?"

But lately I've been slowing down and focusing. Earlier this week I had reservations to hear a panel of speakers at the Screen Actors Guild. Now, I am all for hearing experts speak, and learning from those who have gone ahead of me in my chosen career. But as I contemplated the best use of my time that evening, I realized, that would be "gathering information." And I've already gathered information. A LOT of information. What's important for me right now is to tap into my own wisdom, my own flow. This is the most important aspect of the creative process.

So I stayed home. I read. I spent time with a friend. I breathed the night air on my balcony. And the next day, I felt myself so clearly. Very emotionally available. Ready to write, create, connect.

Slowing down is the new speeding up. :)

Being a Beginner

I have a big show tonight. I've worked hard, prepared, agonized, had fun rehearsing, invited people...and it's almost here!

I've done bigger shows. When I was in New York I did "The Merry Widow" for 2000 people. I was playing Lo-Lo, one of the Grisettes. I loved that show. I remember saying to my friend Sarah in the dressing room between scenes, if we could have toured for 6 months with that show I would have said yes in an instant.

But I was playing a character. (A very fun, fishnets, feathers and garters character!) And now that I'm working on my first original album as a singer, I'm onstage as myself. It's totally different. Different focus, different energy, different intentions. And I've struggled with how to make that transition. Last night I spoke with an amazing fellow singer and intuitive healer, Angela Ai, and she reminded me that I'm a beginner at this. To allow myself to enjoy the process of discovery. Not to have to have it all figured out on the first try. In many ways, that permission to discover, to make mistakes, is my biggest struggle. As a lifelong performer, I've often felt that the most important thing is what other people think and how they perceive what I'm doing. And in that, I've left my own self out of the equation. The point of being an artist is to express what is true inside. And the truth is that my insides still don't have the answers. I must find them by doing.

So tonight I will be a beginner. I will express what I feel through my songs. And I will do it wrong. But I will be myself.

Living in a world without Hannah

Six years ago today at 1:30am, I lost my sister. As she dashed across 14th Street for a taxi, a drunk driver made a left and hit her. Inexplicably, the paramedics wouldn't let me ride in the ambulance, so I got in a cab that followed to the hospital. Despite seeing her body in the street, I never imagined that hours later, I'd hear the worst words in the world: "We did everything we could, but she just didn't make it."

I called everyone I thought would want to be there - her friends, my friends - and many of them came to that hospital and sat with me in her room, trying to say goodbye in some meaningful way. By the time we left the sun was already up.

One of her friends rode home with me and we climbed into bed, stunned, devastated, adrift. Those next few months were a sea of raw emotions spilling out, holding it together as I performed in the biggest show I'd ever done (I'd been cast just a couple days before it happened) then bursting into tears to random strangers at a bar.

I put a lot of energy into dealing with Hannah's death head-on. I had already lost my father years earlier, and never really dealt with that or told anyone about him, and I knew that wasn't going to work. Everything I had believed in suddenly seemed false, naive, ridiculous. Hannah was such a good person and was killed at 25 for no reason. What was left to cling to?

There's the land of the living, the land of the dead, and then there's another reality for someone grieving a loss this intense. For about a year and a half, I lived in another universe, cut off from Hannah and only partially rooted in this world. I did my best to just stay alive when it felt like dying would be easier than feeling this pain.

All along, though, I felt something inside - the desire to finish what I've started here. I am a performer. I live to be onstage. It's what makes me feel alive, and when Hannah was alive, she supported that dream toward becoming a reality. She came to my shows, she gave me her blessing, she held my hand when tears came to my eyes watching the Tony Awards. She just wanted me to be happy (finally) and she understood that being a performer was my destiny. I consistently feel her energy continuing to guide me now - she didn't get to finish her plans on earth, to live the life she had intended, so it's almost an obligation that I do. My path toward what I want is partly a tribute to her, a commitment to living life fully while I have it.

I miss Hannah. A lot. There was a sparkle about the two of us together, a way that I shined brighter because of the subtle differences between us. I feel that gone, and sometimes it's hard for me to sparkle without her. I'm not whole. I don't know whether I ever will be. What I do know is that no matter what the circumstances are, there are always more possibilities if I'm willing to ask and receive. I've felt the depths of hopelessness many times since Hannah died, and when I acknowledged those feelings and allowed them to move through me, every time, I've seen something new on the other side. Life is beautiful, there's no doubt in my mind. I need to keep receiving.

I love you Hannah. I miss you. I am grateful for the time we had together and I wish you were still here.

Behind the Scenes of a Positive Attitude

I am a huge fan of positivity. In a business that can seem random, huge and complicated, it's essential to stay positive and plug away. Often when I first notice an actress in a show or film, I'll look her up on IMDB and see that she's been working in this town for 9-11 YEARS. And that's just credits that are listed on IMDB. She was probably working away for a couple years before that to get her SAG card. So the only way someone is going to stick with something that long is if there's some joy in it.

But how do you get and keep a positive attitude? I've learned a few things.

1. meditate. I meditate in the morning and before I go to bed. When I have time, I'll add an afternoon session. (Lately, that only happens when I'm on vacation!) It's essential to stop everything and just be. This not only helps with positivity but also with creativity!

2. take care of your body. Eat properly. In order to eat properly, leave enough time to shop for groceries and to prepare healthy food. Get enough sleep. Drink water. The reality is, I can't do as many things in a week as my mind would like. I have to accept that and make my whole self a priority as opposed to robbing my body to pay my ego.

3. spend time with friends. Life is not about working and sleeping. Oxytocin is a chemical that is released when we're enjoying a meal with friends, getting a massage, having sex and other enjoyable, connected activities, and it's essential.

4. reframe the situation. On Friday during rush hour, I was on my way to a store. People kept cutting me off on the freeway and I was getting really frustrated. In my mind, I could hear the question coming up - "why is everyone being such a jerk?" I knew that was my cue to reframe the situation. I immediately said out loud, "Why is it so easy to get this important errand done?" Then whenever a little obstacle came up, I just said that to myself. Lo and behold, everyone was so helpful when I got to the store, I was out of there in 20 minutes and zipped home to do some reading before dinner with friends. The whole rest of the evening was so lovely. I really recommend these "LIVING MANTRAS" as taught to me by Dallas Travers. You just ask yourself a positive question, and your subconscious mind does the rest, answering in ways that move you forward happily. Some of my favorites: "Where did all these amazing credits come from?" "When did I start swimming in money?"

5. speak up. If something is bothering you, identify it. If I've started telling a certain story more than once ("so and so did this to me, isn't that messed up?" kind of thing) I know it's time to deal with it head-on. Discuss with the person. It's such a waste of energy to stew in the blame game, and usually just dealing with it directly will instantly make it dissipate.

6. surround yourself with other positive people. In life, on Facebook, on Twitter, even the movies and shows we watch and books we read. They all affect us, so choose those that uplift!

Goals for 2012

These are my intentions for 2012 (my best year yet!)

-to know and feel my goodness regardless of what "obstacles" I may encounter (I put that in quotes because we all know that obstacles are really there to teach us something...!)
-to meet my man, my life partner, and begin our amazing romance :)
-to create and record an amazing album with my wonderful producer Jonathan Baker
-to play gigs of my music that inspire my listeners
-to book 10 national commercials
-to extend and strengthen my community of love, friends, teachers and healers
-to book wonderful film and television roles
-to have fun performing onstage regularly
-to establish a base of tutoring clients in walking distance or short driving distance from my new home in Los Feliz

I welcome your insight, constructive advice or assistance with any of these, and I'd love for you to share YOUR goals here in the comments!

Successes of 2011

Every year I love to reflect on what I've done, and my trip to Guatemala helped me do that since I had lots of beautifully inspiring views and time travelling between activities to think. My accomplishments this year...

-booked and shot an amazing Prius commercial using my special acrobatic, dance and yoga skills
-signed with a new manager and a new commercial agent
-shot 7 episodes of "All My Children" as Nurse Rebecca
-completed UCB improv 101 and 201 and started 301 (I'll finish in a couple weeks - more below!)
-sang at The Gardenia and The Other Side
-Swanky sketch comedy shows
-went to Sundance
-worked at the Amercian Film Market
-had my first auditions on the Disney and Paramount lots!
-auditioned for 2 new commercial casting directors
-interned at CSI: Miami casting and Digital Dogs commercial casting
-continued my Radical Aliveness Core Energetics training program
-led workshops at Burning Man in Core, yoga and tantra
-moved to Los Feliz!
-meditated every day
-established a regular yoga practice
-sang at the JB Studio Master Class
-tutored students in chemistry, math, physics, French and literature

...Although I'm always pushing myself to do better, I have to admit that this year I accomplished a lot!